16 June 2006

I don't love you, I don't want you to love me

So tonight, after a fairly productive day at work, I was kindly asked by new neighbours if I had a TV with VCR, and if I did, could they pay me $20 to have their 5 year old child come watch a video while they continued to unload the rental. The poor dears looked worn out from the heat and the mother, almost six months along with child numero dos, appeared she was on the express bus to temporary insanity. I looked at the child (who was very shy and retiring, just like I like them and as I was to some degree myself at that age), looked at the weary parents, declined the money, and agreed to surrender my boob tube and VCR over to the very audience for which it now exists: the exceptionally impressionable preschool youth.

I was preparing some pork chops for the oven, and had just popped some popcorn for my young Mr Ebert (being a good hostess and all), when the door knock came. I came eagerly to the door, Orville Redenbacher's lightly buttered best in hand, to the sight of a very relieved mother and small shy one holding an oversized 'sippy' cup. A purple one, in fact. An oversized, purple 'sippy' cup with Barney arms as handles. At that point, I should have known to bring out the beer, but somehow I thought that would make a bad impression on the child so I kept it cold in the fridge, untouched. Little did I know then I had nothing to fear from the kitchen or its fine beverages, but from the TV instead.

We started off well enough, about a half hour of "Dora the Explorer" on one of the kids networks, then at my insistence to try out the DVD player we watched the first 20 minutes or so of "Finding Nemo". I love anal-retentive clown fish, my little new friend Max did not. So I was brave and asked if he had brought videos. Silently but with a beaming smile, he dug into his little grocery bag and promptly handed over 5 (not 1 or 2, even 3...but 5) Barney videos. And only Barney videos. Then he held up the Cup of Lucifer and asked for some apple juice.

Let's just say, after tonight's 3 hour experience, I want to be mentally incapicitated in about 20 years (some could argue that I am now already, I know). I do not want the likes of beloved Max making decisions for my money, nor sending our youth to war, and certainly not trying to implement any sort of social program. I thought the Teletubbies were so hysterically bad that they could only be appreciated by those over 18 and appropriately drunk and/or stoned. The Teletubbies, in comparison to Barney, are friggin' geniuses, even the gay "Tinky Winky" one. Barney, dear friends, is the anti-Christ for the mind. Or the spirit. Or the sane adult personality. I've currently lost mine, about 10 minutes and 3 renditions into "I Love You, You Love Me"...Barney's singalong theme song. Which Max did a Axl Rose on and yelled over and over, despite my attempts to calm him down.

Just Above Sunset recaps the whole horrific affair between Barney and the Christian Right, although I don't care who opposes him...just make it quick and painless for the rest of us, I beg you):

And Barney? Barney – that purple singing dinosaur? Joseph Chambers, a Pentecostal minister from Charlotte, North Carolina, is the author of "Barney: The Purple Messiah" – a booklet that denounces the faux dinosaur as “a tool of Satan and homosexuals.” (Buy the booklet here for only a dollar). (Ed note: 6/16/2006, item pulled from sale, as it was also from other vendors for fear of legal action by Barney's creators). It's not just that Barney is purple (a clear sign of deviant sexuality) - Chambers is REALLY worried about something more -

Barney is much more than just a fun creature of kids' imaginations. He is a politically correct teacher of everything on the liberal left's agenda, from New Age evolution to radical ecology.

To many children Barney has become a guru of sorts. He teaches transcendental thought and mystical ideas. Nothing comes through Barney's teachings more clearly than the New Age idea of using our minds to create miracles. No one should deny that positive or negative thinking can tremendously affect our lives. But such powers are clearly physical and end with the normal experiences we enjoy. God alone is supernatural.

Got it. Flaming and ALSO heretical. And purple.

Thank God, though, a dear friend was home after this ordeal...someone who could listen, relate, perhaps even empathize. She did one better...she found a way for me to 'kill' Barney. And I'm damn happy right now.

The Barney Fun Page

Since I may still be in recovery over the next few days, it's unknown still if I'll be back online to post tomorrow. Either way, take care until we 'meet' again.

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